Christmas Jokes & Cool Websites

Below are some interesting websites and some hillarious jokes. I was laughing so hard at one of them that I could barely breathe...but that's probably just me cuz I'm weird like that. Merry Christmas!!


Websites:

If you ever thought your Nutcracker looked too boring, you should check out Pimp My Nutcracker.com This is so friggin cool, especially being able to give the Nutcracker an afro!

Pictures of creative mailboxes can be found at Sam's Mailbox Pictures. Some of these are pretty darn cool.

Here's Bryan Berg's website featuring his playing card sculptures: Card Stacker.com

I found the top two sites at Yahoo's Websites of the Year webpage. Some people have way too much time on their hands.

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From Comedy Central's Joke of the Day:


Christmas Songs for Shrinks


Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).


Barbie's Christmas Beau


A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken



Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds!


There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!


How Santa REALLY Knows!


You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

These are a few of my favorite things...

I am friggin bored out of my mind tonight, so I thought I'd make a list of my favorite things from 2005 since only 11 days remain of it:

Favorite Movie (Comedy): The 40-Year-Old Virgin (I laughed my ass off quite a bit, as it is one of the best put-together comedies I've seen in a while...even funnier than last year's also-hillarious Mean Girls)

Favorite Movie (Drama): Brokeback Mountain (haven't seen it yet, but based on the story and that Heath Ledger hardly lets me down, I'm pretty sure it will be my fave this year).

Favorite Movie (Action/Drama): Tie between War of the Worlds and Batman Begins

Favorite Movie (Horror): Saw 2. This was much better than the first. I love the psychological aspect of this movie, and the twist at the end fits and is so satisfyingly disturbing. What a great thrill ride (and a great date movie)!

Favorite TV Show: Everwood. I realize that I miss this show and its wonderful setting/characters the most when it's on hiatus. The show that has gotten it right for 4 seasons now. It sucks that it's off the air till March!!! If Edna is the one who dies in April, I will be pissed lol. Now, more people need to buy the Season One DVD collection, so the rest of the seasons will be put on DVD! Lost is a very close second favorite.

Favorite Album: The Killers: Hot Fuss Special Edition There are only 2 songs on this album that are mediocre...the rest is awesome!! I've pretty much worn this album out...it is now my second-favorite next to Dizzy Up the Girl (Goo Goo Dolls). I very much look forward to the next album. And next year sees the release of the Goo Goo Dolls' next album!!

Favorite Purchase: My bike (in hibernation currently)

Favorite City Visited This Year: Savannah, GA. Why I never visited it before this year, I have no clue...but it and all of its recently-restored squares are beautiful. I especially loved doing the late-night Ghost Tour...spooky.

Most Memorable Event: Leaving GA for MI in June...a nice 700-mile road trip with dog and parents along for the move.

Favorite Sport Event: The excellent Wimbledon Womens Finals match between Venus Williams and Lindsay Davenport. I was lucky enough to be able to watch the record-breaking match live in its entirety. Seeing Venus leaping for joy upon claiming her prize is one of the many reasons why I love watching tennis. It is the awesomest sport ever!


If you agree with my picks, you're super cool. If you don't...well, you're not super cool. Ha!

Music Picks (Excellent Taste Guaranteed!)

Thanks to Everwood, I've discovered this excellent indie group. The song that caught my attention, "How it Ends", bookended last week's episode and is amazing. The rest of the album is either similar or very different from the style of this song.

Also thanks to Everwood, I was reminded of this guy. "Lullaby" and "Shimmer" (found on the above album), were played quite a bit during my freshman year of college (1998). I'd forgotten how much I loved those songs back then, so they are now burned into my collection. Also on the album is "You Mean Everything to Me", a wonderful, reflective song.

Another song I heard on Everwood (notice a pattern?) last week is from Lifehouse's latest album: "You and Me". Part of me is a sucker for angst-filled songs like this one, and it is truly awesome. I also think the lyrics are ones most can relate to at least once in their love lives.

Since I don't listen to the radio much, I have to rely on tv shows, friends, and VH1 to keep me updated on good music. One song that can be retired, though, is "Let it Snow".

Georgia Trip

I'm currently in sunny, warm (compared to Michigan) Georgia, preparing to depart in a few hours. It's been a FUN jam-packed trip, for sure, but I got to see almost everyone I wanted to see (sorry, Shane, Shawn, and Daniel!! You guys can try to kick my ass at a later date).

I got to spend time with some old friends, part of which included a game where I had to actually sing lyrics of a few songs (even a friggin Madonna song!! AND the Oscar Meyer jingle) --I hope to never see that bizarre game again lol. At least Tim got a nice laugh out of it all.

Another highlight was actually being able to see the GA Aquarium with the fam. It's not the most spectacular thing out there, but it does have some amazing sights to behold. We also visited the also-new Atlantic Station (a living/shopping community). How awesome it would be to be able to afford to live in a loft there!! All my fave stores and a kick-ass cinema just a walk away! And Centennial Olympic Park is just a few miles down the road. No gym yet, though...

Here are some of the pictures from the Aquarium (not my best, but what can ya do with glass and "no-flash-photography" in dimly-lit corridors?):

The outside of the Aquarium.

My mom in possession of my camera. Notice that she actually caught the whale shark coming around in the window! I always wanted to be in a pic with a whale shark!!

The huge viewing window, where the whale sharks swam around to show off their blubber.

Dad (on the left) and I are watching the fish do their thing...it's kinda mesmerizing. (Mom's in possession of the camera again here...that's TWO turnovers already!)

I believe that's a fleet of rays and an ugly fish.

One of the whale sharks (the unpopular one...cuz he doesn't have near as many fish friends as his cohort).

The popular whale shark (he/she was always surrounded by a yellow school of fish).

Another shot of the popular whale shark and his/her entourage.

African penguins...and I thought all penguins liked to be chilly. Funny that they are found in the Chilly section of the Aquarium. They were fun to watch, though!

The extraterrestrial-looking beluga whales. They loved putting on a show (like dolphins), doing lots of flips.

Since every other family was getting their picture taken at the waterfall, why not mine too?

My Alma Mater

I'm feeling nostalgic, so I thought I'd post some pics of where I went to college: Berry College. These pictures capture only a fraction of the beautiful landscape there...I dare you to find a more captivating college campus. And there is still one area of the college I haven't yet seen: the House of Dreams hidden away deep in the forests of the college (I did try but could not find the way...of course). Here are some pics:




The old so-called Gate of Opportunity (aka entrance to the college).

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The Ford Buildings and a Reflection Pool--Henry Ford and Martha Berry liked to play peekaboo under the sheets.

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The Ford Auditorium and another Reflection Pool.

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Frost Chapel (on Mountain Campus, 3 miles from Main Campus), where many couples return to get married. Also, one of the rituals is that the freshmen roll down the hill on the first night of orienation.

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Swan Lake on Mountain Campus. Their names are Myrna and Bernard...actually, I never asked them. There is also an extremely ugly duck that lives in the same pond...hmm...

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The Reservoir, a short hike from Mountain Campus. I still don't know what the little building is for...perhaps a control center? Or a hermit's dwelling?

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The Old Mill, another short hike from Mountain Campus. One of my most favorite spots on campus...it was especially fun to ride the wheel!! What? Is that a look of disbelief I detect??

Snow Pictures

I sometimes get into picture-taking moods, and since I was up so damn early this morning, I thought I'd go out and find some undisturbed snow scenes. I think we got 4 inches of snow (about 4 times the amount Atlanta gets in one winter! lol). And for the first time in about a week, the sun is shining in a sea of royal blue sky!! It is a beautiful day, for sure. Here are the pics:

This is a bridge (for any of you who haven't seen one before) in the park about a half-mile or so from my apartment.

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This is the road leading to a parking lot. Notice by my footprints that I have a hard time walking in a straight line...I really shouldn't have had that screwdriver with my eggs...

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My footprints when I took my shoes off...or maybe not. I'm really not sure what made those prints. Either a really big animal or a three-legged rabbit. Feel free to enlighten me if you're a snow-footprint expert!

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The parking lot. See the blue sky breaking through the clouds? Ain't it purdy?

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That's the scene that greeted me when I looked out my bedroom window at 7am. Winter wonderland indeed.