Christmas Jokes & Cool Websites

Below are some interesting websites and some hillarious jokes. I was laughing so hard at one of them that I could barely breathe...but that's probably just me cuz I'm weird like that. Merry Christmas!!


Websites:

If you ever thought your Nutcracker looked too boring, you should check out Pimp My Nutcracker.com This is so friggin cool, especially being able to give the Nutcracker an afro!

Pictures of creative mailboxes can be found at Sam's Mailbox Pictures. Some of these are pretty darn cool.

Here's Bryan Berg's website featuring his playing card sculptures: Card Stacker.com

I found the top two sites at Yahoo's Websites of the Year webpage. Some people have way too much time on their hands.

---

From Comedy Central's Joke of the Day:


Christmas Songs for Shrinks


Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).


Barbie's Christmas Beau


A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken



Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds!


There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!


How Santa REALLY Knows!


You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

These are a few of my favorite things...

I am friggin bored out of my mind tonight, so I thought I'd make a list of my favorite things from 2005 since only 11 days remain of it:

Favorite Movie (Comedy): The 40-Year-Old Virgin (I laughed my ass off quite a bit, as it is one of the best put-together comedies I've seen in a while...even funnier than last year's also-hillarious Mean Girls)

Favorite Movie (Drama): Brokeback Mountain (haven't seen it yet, but based on the story and that Heath Ledger hardly lets me down, I'm pretty sure it will be my fave this year).

Favorite Movie (Action/Drama): Tie between War of the Worlds and Batman Begins

Favorite Movie (Horror): Saw 2. This was much better than the first. I love the psychological aspect of this movie, and the twist at the end fits and is so satisfyingly disturbing. What a great thrill ride (and a great date movie)!

Favorite TV Show: Everwood. I realize that I miss this show and its wonderful setting/characters the most when it's on hiatus. The show that has gotten it right for 4 seasons now. It sucks that it's off the air till March!!! If Edna is the one who dies in April, I will be pissed lol. Now, more people need to buy the Season One DVD collection, so the rest of the seasons will be put on DVD! Lost is a very close second favorite.

Favorite Album: The Killers: Hot Fuss Special Edition There are only 2 songs on this album that are mediocre...the rest is awesome!! I've pretty much worn this album out...it is now my second-favorite next to Dizzy Up the Girl (Goo Goo Dolls). I very much look forward to the next album. And next year sees the release of the Goo Goo Dolls' next album!!

Favorite Purchase: My bike (in hibernation currently)

Favorite City Visited This Year: Savannah, GA. Why I never visited it before this year, I have no clue...but it and all of its recently-restored squares are beautiful. I especially loved doing the late-night Ghost Tour...spooky.

Most Memorable Event: Leaving GA for MI in June...a nice 700-mile road trip with dog and parents along for the move.

Favorite Sport Event: The excellent Wimbledon Womens Finals match between Venus Williams and Lindsay Davenport. I was lucky enough to be able to watch the record-breaking match live in its entirety. Seeing Venus leaping for joy upon claiming her prize is one of the many reasons why I love watching tennis. It is the awesomest sport ever!


If you agree with my picks, you're super cool. If you don't...well, you're not super cool. Ha!

Music Picks (Excellent Taste Guaranteed!)

Thanks to Everwood, I've discovered this excellent indie group. The song that caught my attention, "How it Ends", bookended last week's episode and is amazing. The rest of the album is either similar or very different from the style of this song.

Also thanks to Everwood, I was reminded of this guy. "Lullaby" and "Shimmer" (found on the above album), were played quite a bit during my freshman year of college (1998). I'd forgotten how much I loved those songs back then, so they are now burned into my collection. Also on the album is "You Mean Everything to Me", a wonderful, reflective song.

Another song I heard on Everwood (notice a pattern?) last week is from Lifehouse's latest album: "You and Me". Part of me is a sucker for angst-filled songs like this one, and it is truly awesome. I also think the lyrics are ones most can relate to at least once in their love lives.

Since I don't listen to the radio much, I have to rely on tv shows, friends, and VH1 to keep me updated on good music. One song that can be retired, though, is "Let it Snow".

Georgia Trip

I'm currently in sunny, warm (compared to Michigan) Georgia, preparing to depart in a few hours. It's been a FUN jam-packed trip, for sure, but I got to see almost everyone I wanted to see (sorry, Shane, Shawn, and Daniel!! You guys can try to kick my ass at a later date).

I got to spend time with some old friends, part of which included a game where I had to actually sing lyrics of a few songs (even a friggin Madonna song!! AND the Oscar Meyer jingle) --I hope to never see that bizarre game again lol. At least Tim got a nice laugh out of it all.

Another highlight was actually being able to see the GA Aquarium with the fam. It's not the most spectacular thing out there, but it does have some amazing sights to behold. We also visited the also-new Atlantic Station (a living/shopping community). How awesome it would be to be able to afford to live in a loft there!! All my fave stores and a kick-ass cinema just a walk away! And Centennial Olympic Park is just a few miles down the road. No gym yet, though...

Here are some of the pictures from the Aquarium (not my best, but what can ya do with glass and "no-flash-photography" in dimly-lit corridors?):

The outside of the Aquarium.

My mom in possession of my camera. Notice that she actually caught the whale shark coming around in the window! I always wanted to be in a pic with a whale shark!!

The huge viewing window, where the whale sharks swam around to show off their blubber.

Dad (on the left) and I are watching the fish do their thing...it's kinda mesmerizing. (Mom's in possession of the camera again here...that's TWO turnovers already!)

I believe that's a fleet of rays and an ugly fish.

One of the whale sharks (the unpopular one...cuz he doesn't have near as many fish friends as his cohort).

The popular whale shark (he/she was always surrounded by a yellow school of fish).

Another shot of the popular whale shark and his/her entourage.

African penguins...and I thought all penguins liked to be chilly. Funny that they are found in the Chilly section of the Aquarium. They were fun to watch, though!

The extraterrestrial-looking beluga whales. They loved putting on a show (like dolphins), doing lots of flips.

Since every other family was getting their picture taken at the waterfall, why not mine too?

My Alma Mater

I'm feeling nostalgic, so I thought I'd post some pics of where I went to college: Berry College. These pictures capture only a fraction of the beautiful landscape there...I dare you to find a more captivating college campus. And there is still one area of the college I haven't yet seen: the House of Dreams hidden away deep in the forests of the college (I did try but could not find the way...of course). Here are some pics:




The old so-called Gate of Opportunity (aka entrance to the college).

---

The Ford Buildings and a Reflection Pool--Henry Ford and Martha Berry liked to play peekaboo under the sheets.

---

The Ford Auditorium and another Reflection Pool.

---

Frost Chapel (on Mountain Campus, 3 miles from Main Campus), where many couples return to get married. Also, one of the rituals is that the freshmen roll down the hill on the first night of orienation.

---

Swan Lake on Mountain Campus. Their names are Myrna and Bernard...actually, I never asked them. There is also an extremely ugly duck that lives in the same pond...hmm...

---

The Reservoir, a short hike from Mountain Campus. I still don't know what the little building is for...perhaps a control center? Or a hermit's dwelling?

---

The Old Mill, another short hike from Mountain Campus. One of my most favorite spots on campus...it was especially fun to ride the wheel!! What? Is that a look of disbelief I detect??

Snow Pictures

I sometimes get into picture-taking moods, and since I was up so damn early this morning, I thought I'd go out and find some undisturbed snow scenes. I think we got 4 inches of snow (about 4 times the amount Atlanta gets in one winter! lol). And for the first time in about a week, the sun is shining in a sea of royal blue sky!! It is a beautiful day, for sure. Here are the pics:

This is a bridge (for any of you who haven't seen one before) in the park about a half-mile or so from my apartment.

---

This is the road leading to a parking lot. Notice by my footprints that I have a hard time walking in a straight line...I really shouldn't have had that screwdriver with my eggs...

---

My footprints when I took my shoes off...or maybe not. I'm really not sure what made those prints. Either a really big animal or a three-legged rabbit. Feel free to enlighten me if you're a snow-footprint expert!

---

The parking lot. See the blue sky breaking through the clouds? Ain't it purdy?

---

That's the scene that greeted me when I looked out my bedroom window at 7am. Winter wonderland indeed.

Snow White

The first real snowfall is here...we're supposed to get about 1-3 inches of snow. It's been snowing all day, and fortunately, I haven't really had to travel anywhere today. The roads don't look that bad, but people are driving as if it's a dry, sunny day, causing accidents galore. I took my dog on a walk this afternoon, and it really is beautiful outside. Too bad there's no one around (that I know) to pelt with a good snowball!!

And I just burned my finger removing chicken from the oven...OUCH!!

White Thanksgiving

From CNN.com's Offbeat Images...I think it might be time for that family to throw away their pumpkin. I've been around pumpkins when they begin to rot, and they sure don't smell like roses. Yuck!!

---

In the News:

Getting drunk was just the beginning for this poor guy: Bad Day

So the top car picked for 2006 isn't a Mini, but it is a car that a couple of my friends drive: 2006 Top Car

---

Website:

Want to hear and rate some of the most annoying sounds out there? Check out this website created by a research center: Bad Vibes The crying baby did it for me.

---

So we're supposed to get some snow here over the next few days...should be interesting. Sierra won't know what to do! Thanksgiving will be weird without being with my family. I didn't think I'd feel as lonely as I'm starting to feel...lol. Oh well...Friday will be here soon enough. I'll just find some good movies to rent while my friends are out of town and of course, work out quite a bit. And maybe some drinks!!! I DO have a bottle of Southern Comfort to finish off...hmmm... YEAH...that's sounding better and better by the minute. And this ends this entry cuz I say so.

Oh and the lyrics for "White Thanksgiving" go like this: I'm dreaming of a white Thanksgiving. With every turkey that I smoke. .....

Snow, Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List, & More!

Yesterday marked the first snowfall for the fall-winter season up here, and it is snowing as I type this. Now, I know many people up here see these white flakes as being sent straight from Hell to make their lives miserable, but I still enjoy watching it fall. There's something very serene about it...so quiet, so peaceful. If you put aside what might happen if you aren't careful driving in it, it really is a very beautiful event. I'd take it over freezing rain any day, something I think the South sees more of than the North.

Some have told me I will hate it here this winter...well, the jury's not even deliberating on it yet, so we shall see.

---

In the News:

How would you feel if someone tried to murder your favorite vegetable? Here's an article about an innocent radish that almost saw the white light: Radish Recovering After Murder Attempt

Unfortunately, a sparrow in Amsterdam wasn't so lucky. Let this be a lesson to other sparrows: don't go anywhere near domino-fanatics (maybe all other species should heed that warning too!) -- Sparrow Shot for Downing Domino Record Bid

---

From Comedy Central's Joke of the Day:


Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List


December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows '2000

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

My World, Salmon Soda, Eyeball-eating Ants, and More!

Happy Birthday to my granddad, who is 78 years old...very hard to believe. He's one of my favorite people...I used to be his "errand buddy" many many years ago, and much of my sense of humor comes from him. Hopefully, he'll be around for many more years.

So it's going to be another windy night here. The thunder is rolling, and I am sitting here all alone at work (if you want to kidnap me, now's your chance!!). I am also being stared down by a strange-looking beetle. I hope it comes in peace and doesn't think I am a cool new texture for him to try his legs out on.

Harry Potter's latest film comes out on Friday, though I won't be able to see it till Saturday. Oh man! I'm gonna miss all the crazy, dressed up people...dammit. heh heh I read that it is 2.5 hours long (which makes sense since the book is almost 1000 pages long), and I am sure it will be quite entertaining!! YEAH!!

This isn't an essay paper, so who cares that the above 3 paragraphs have no relation whatsoever...if you have a problem with my format, go punch your favorite orange barrell.

---

In the News:

First up, Jones Soda has a fresh new flavor to quench your thirst: salmon!!! Mmmmm...move aside, Cherry Coke; I have a new favorite!

So ants are never fun at picnics or in your kitchen, but could you imagine having them take a liking to your eyeball?! Ants Eat Away Woman's Eye in Hospital

At a Barnes and Noble in Alaska, readers got a surprise when a woman crashed her car into the store. What's even crazier is that the store remained open the rest of the day: Crash Into a Good Book

---

Website:

Someone got really bored to make up this website...it's literally a mirror-image of the Google search page: elgooG

---

Sports:

Michigan pretty much slaughtered Indiana on Sat. (41-14), making it a not-so-exciting game to watch. This weekend, Ohio State comes to town to continue possibly the biggest rivalry in all of college football. Also, I've heard that based upon the outcomes of the games Sat., Michigan could face Georgia for the first time ever in a bowl game. Now that would be fun.

Humongous Shopping Cart, a $100,000 bill, and More!

From Yahoo News Photos: "This photo supplied by Guinness World Records shows Edd China talking to a shopper while driving his way into Guinness World Records book in Henley-upon-Thames, England,Tuesday, Nov. 8, 2005, after engineering what the book calls the largest motorized shopping cart in the world. The 11.4 feet tall, 9.8 feet long and 5.9 feet wide cart was created to celebrate the book's self-proclaimed first ever Guinness World Records Day on Wednesday Nov. 9, 2005. Edd is also currently featured in the Guinness World Records 2006 edition book for his record for the World's Fastest Sofa.(AP Photo/Guinness World Records/Tim Anderson)" This ain't your typical Kroger shopping cart.

---

In the News:

Two articles I ran across today involve bras. One lady used hers as a way of smuggling a parrot out of her workplace (poor Polly got to be an unwilling bosom buddy): Bird in a Bra. And the other article involves heated bras (hot chicks, for sure!)

Hillsdale, Michigan has a new mayor, and he's a high school senior. Forget student council: 18-Year-Old Mayor

---

This is what I found in the parking lot yesterday!!! Ok..maybe not...I did find an interesting Q&A on Yahoo (of course) about the largest denominations of US currency used: Ask Yahoo What's in your wallet? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Oh, and apparently, this is my 25th post...do I get a prize from Blogger?

Married Pandas, Grenadeball, and More

In the News:

Gay marriage is frowned upon throughout most of the world, but if you're a panda, you're in luck: Two Pandas Tie the Knot

Funny in a morbid way, which makes these guys candidates for a Darwin Award:
Playing Catch with a Grenade. If you haven't heard of the Darwin Awards, here's the website: Darwin Awards - definitely something to check out if you get a kick out of reading the dumbest ways to die.

I found this article informing AND humorous...I didn't realize that ostriches were so damn fast at 43 mph top speed...that's twice as fast as most drivers over the age of 70!! Ostrich on a Rampage

---

Random Website:

Nicolas Lampert is an artist; Nicolas Lampert is a really weird artist. Take a look at some of his "meatscapes" and machine-animal collages: The Artwork of Nicolas Lampert

---

From Comedy Central's Joke of the Day:

Redneck Computer Lingo


Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Glued Genitals, Drunk Moose, Pinqy, and More!

According to forecasters, we're supposed to have some strong thunderstorms late tonight...woohoo!! We have had way too few of these this year. If I should get struck by lightning or get a hail stone lodged in my eye, I will retract the "woohoo!" remark, ok? More wind tomorrow too...that means I don't have to brush my hair, right???

---

Some interesting articles and a website I found today:

This is why I don't date women: Jury Rules Against Woman in Genital Gluing

Bullwinkle and Friend Get Smashed (not the article's headline heh heh)

Looking for a Christmas present for the guy/girl who has everything? How about a Pinqy! It's the world's smallest fire extinguisher, and I bet it can provide hours of fun!

---

The Georgia Aquarium opens on November 23, and time permitting, I may try to go see it when I'm in GA next month. Here's a pic of the whale shark attraction from CNN.com:

And I have to share that FINALLY, I can return to the gym after 2.5 weeks!!!! My left tricep is fully healed, I think...and I've learned my lesson on when NOT to drop the dumbbells while on a decline bench.

Gone With the Wind

Step outside, strap on your sail, and you'll go far, my friend! There's a gentle breeze blowing out there...winds from 24 mph, maybe even gusting up to 50 mph (according to weather.com)!! I went out to Kroger this morning and had to fight the wind to be able to get out of the car lol. And while driving, the wind kicked up a small whirlwind of leaves, obscuring my view for a bit...but it was kinda cool!

I took Sierra out a little while ago, and she didn't seem to enjoy the wind as much as I did. I love this!! We walked over to the lake, and there are ducks just sitting still in the water, managing the wind just fine. They probably don't give a quack about all the wind.

Sports:

How bout them Wolverines??? They were awesome yesterday. The Canadian Cuckoos didn't stand a chance...77 to 0. Wait...I've just been informed that this game occurred within the goal posts of my mind...damn. So they will be back in action Saturday at home, and next week is the big Ohio State game (which means Ann Arbor will be full of crazy Ohio people, so hide your kids and get out your rifles heh heh)!

I Got Jokes

From Comedy Central's Joke of the Day:

Give or Take a Gazillion

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


The President''s Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

---

In the News:

Check out this Halloween Trick-or-Treat gone wrong: Italian Halloween (funny in a black comedy type way)

Here's an article about a hungry pizzeria burglar.

Halloween Rocks!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

My favorite holiday is here...didn't get to dress up this year since Flagstar doesn't permit it...oh well. Next year, I am going to do my best to have a small party so I can dress up!! lol By the way, the picture above is from CNN.com's Offbeat Images--handcrafted gourds (non-orange non-pumpkins, for you slow people). Yep, I made them...now you know how talented I am..I modeled them after someone I saw at the movies the other day. heh heh

Movies:

I went to see Saw II Sat. night...much better than I was expecting. Great psychological thriller for sure...with a dash of blood...ok, ok...maybe more than a dash. Tobin Bell is excellent as the demented Jigsaw serial killer, and the twist-ed ending is wonderful and gels completely. The opening scene with the guy trying to cut his eyeball out to save himself from Jigsaw's "game" is probably the most disturbing scene in the film. I was anxious throughout the movie, which is what I crave from a good thriller/horror flick. This is not just another gore movie, but it's definitely not for the squeamish.

I got to finish the weekend off with a viewing of Aliens, thanks to Jason. An older sci-fi thriller I hadn't seen yet. Sigourney Weaver is one of my favorite actresses, and she kicks some alien ass in this movie...YEAH!! This movie holds up well after 20 years...and the aliens are deliciously menacing-looking. I look forward to seeing Alien 3 someday. I've discovered quite a few movies that I want to see...so I guess it's almost time to resurrect my Blockbuster online account.

This weekend, we've got Chicken Little coming out...it looks hillarious. From the previews, I love the turkey's showdown with the alien, where he keeps trying to offer the alien something to not be killed...zap! "Tic tac?" lol

---

Outdoors:

I took the above photo on Berkshire in Ann Arbor, kinda near the Arboretum, yesterday. Yesterday was such a wonderful day to be outside, and I spent quite a bit of time in and around the Arb...lots of beautiful sights to behold. Sierra at least humored me...well, she didn't have much choice, I guess... It was a great father-daughter bonding experience. And the temperature was nice as well...60 degrees...sigh...that's perfect in my book.

---

Sports:

The Wolverines picked up their 3rd win in a row Sat. night, giving the Wildcats a few good slashes on their home turf. 33-17 Up next is Indiana on Nov. 12th, then the big season-closing game vs. Ohio State. GO BLUE!!!!

---

Stupid is as Stupid Does Update:

Bush just loves causing waves, doesn't he? Well, wouldn't you if you were used to swinging around in trees all day looking for bananas? Another stellar Supreme Court nominee, eh? Way to try to bring both parties together, Curious George...it will be interesting to see if ultra-conservative Alito makes it. Filibuster, anyone?

Killers, Gilmores, Potty Elmo, and MORE!!!

Although the album was first released last year, I discovered it for myself this year. There is something about this group that has gotten under my skin. "Mr. Brightside" has been all over the place...radio, VH1/MTV, etc. and is now one of my favorite songs. The lyrics involve a broken heart and jealousy as the guy must watch his ex move on with another man...very passionate song, in my opinion. And I love the lead's voice (Brandon Flowers) as well as the accompaniment. Every time I hear this song, it sends a good chill up my spine...it resonates...much like hearing "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls or "The Scientist" by Coldplay.

Most of the rest of the album ain't that bad either...definitely worth the purchase or download. So stop spending money on noise-makers like Britney Spears and the Pussycat Dolls, and start supporting those who actually produce kick-ass music!! lol


In other news....has anyone seen the latest and greatest toy for kids?? Well, who knows how long it's been out on the market..but I saw it on Saturday: Potty Elmo!! If you haven't seen it, basically, it's Elmo sitting on a toilet with his pants around his knees...if that isn't scary enough, try squeezing him in the designated area (I left it ambiguous for you dirty...er, fun-minded people). "Elmo go potty!" (followed by a flushing sound..and he says other stuff that I forget). I'm sure it's a good learning tool for the knee-highs who currently enjoy doing it in the convenience of their own pants. Just funny to see...

SPORTS:

So, Michigan won (23-20) in OT...YEAH!!! And now they are back in the AP Ranking at #25. Sure, they're not at their best, but they aren't doing as bad as some expected. They just like last-minute heroics a little too much for my taste...give a man a heart-attack, why don't you???

My pro-football team won as well last night...the Falcons flew higher than the Jets with 27-14 being the final score. Booyah!!

In tennis, Lindsay Davenport is back on top in the women's world rankings with Sharapova and Clijsters not far behind. Woohoo!! While my man, Ginepri, is now #15 in the men's rankings...he won't be the underdog for too much longer.

Tonight is Game 3 of the World Series...I think the Astros will win tonight..just because there's no way they will let 3-in-a-row go. They will pull out all the stops tonight to let the White Sox know they're not going down without a fight. BUT the White Sox will be the ultimate victors, for sure.

TV:

The Gilmore Girls are on tonight...and while I like Rory living with Richard and Emily, I can't wait till she and Lorelai reunite and mend fences. One of my favorite tv moments occurred the week before last when Emily told off Logan's imperious mother with a eat-shit-and-die smile and a deceptively sweet-toned voice...such an awesome monologue from my favorite character of the show. I actually let out a whoop! like I was watching a game. lol Since I'm a dork, I found the monologue in print on tvguide.com and have decided to paste it here...it's worth a read but even more fun to see:

EMILY: Ah, yes. Well, let me tell you this, Shira — we are just as good as you. You don't think Rory is good enough for your son? As if we don't know Logan's reputation? We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory.… Now, let's talk about "your" money. You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville, when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I'll never know, but hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy, you know. Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 lbs. every other month, but that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together as long as they like. You won't stop them. Now enjoy the event.

Tonight, Madeline Albright will be guesting on the show...and Rory turns 21...and Richard and Emily realize she's been having s-e-x. Should be fun... This show still rocks. If you don't watch it, tune in at 8pm (and rent/buy the first 4 seasons).

Wow...this blog post is almost as long as a Harry Potter book.......bye...

The Buffy at Work Program

How cool is this: we have two tv's hanging from the ceiling here at the bank...and we have a DVD player connected to them...and a surround sound system. That's just the beginning...take that and add to it that I can bring in any DVD when I'm here alone (as I am now). So I am watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer right now at work...THAT is the really cool part!!! Booyah!!!

So tonight, I'm going to try for a corn maze again...since last weekend, the one in Dundee closed an hour earlier than their website indicated (AND they didn't accept credit cards). I'm not going back to that one because of the repressed-lesbian bitch who knows customer service like a wrestler knows rocket science. No offense, wrestlers...I don't know rocket science either.

The rest of the weekend looks like rain, according to forecasters...but at least I have football and the World Series to keep me occupied!! I can also kick my ass at the gym too!

I've run out of things to say now...

Fruity Hurricanes & Natural Disasters

Today, Wilma will become more than Fred Flintstone's prehistoric wife...she will become this season's 12th hurricane (talk about evolution!). The storm formed just a couple days ago and is also the 21st named storm this hurricane season, tying the record established in 1933. Unfortunately, it looks like Wilma is going to make her way into the Gulf of Mexico, where she will most likely do like Rita, Katrina, and Dennis and grow immensely. But anything can happen between now and then...

Meanwhile, the season still has 6 weeks left (ending November 30th), and should a 22nd storm form, it will be given the name Alpha, as the current name lists only allow for 21 storms. Any beyond 21 are assigned Greek letters in alphabetical order, naturally. Personally, I think the Greek letters sound much cooler than people names. Let's face it, who wants to know that their name is also the name of a hurricane that wreaked havoc? And Hurricane Omega just sounds so much better than Hurricane Ophelia or Opus. Or maybe we could do like Gwynth Paltrow and name the storms after fruit: Hurricane Apple...Hurricane Banana...Hurricane Pineapple...Hurricane Tomato. I'd love to see forecasters and the media saying "Hurricane Grapefruit is now a Category 3 storm..." Oh man...I'm cracking myself up...

Being serious again, it seems some people have decided that the numerous natural disasters lately are the result of an angry God...that the Apocalpyse is near. While that is very optimistic and makes me feel all warm and happy, it's not quite accurate, in my opinion. Remember, people used to think thunder storms were the gods fighting in the heavens. Take a look at this article about our perception that natural disasters seem much more common and why that may seem so: Natural Disasters Becoming More Common Food for thought...

Alright, time for me to finish my yogurt and start this day...YEAH!!

Bush: the Early Years

Little Georgie doesn't know how to play nice with his new friend.

This picture from CNN.com's Offbeat Images cracked me up for some reason...isn't it remarkable how much the little monkey looks and acts like a certain president of ours? Look at its eyes...isn't that the same lost look Bush has most of the time??